It's happened. I am now carrying a little alien bean, something i have been wanting for..well, a while now. I have spent countless hours daydreaming about how i would break the news to my husband and the rest of our family, about how wonderful it would be knowing that there is something miraculous and beautiful growing inside of me, and how wonderful that would feel. Of course, now that it's happened, it's quite different than my former delusions.
we'll start with the this-only-happens-to-people-on-tv way that we found out about our Bean. We had decided last spring that we were ready(?) to start our little family. The first month i anxiously awaited the end of my cycle, almost certain that when i would take my $20 pregnancy test, it would be positive, because i was feeling particularly pregnant that month. and once it turned positive, i'd leave the test on the back of the toilet where Mike would surely see it and shed a tear as he twirled me in our living room. well... that sure didn't happen. Not that way and not that month, and not the next few months either.
Roll around to November. I finally decided to have wrist surgery, and to my surprise, the surgeon was able to get me in the next Friday. A nurse called me for a pre-surgery interview and asked me the first day of my last cycle, which i accidentally told her was a week later than it actually was. when i realized my mistake, i started to think that it was quite possible that this could be the month, THE month that i finally have a bean to call my own. Being a day before surgery, and 2 days till the end of my cycle, i went into the bathroom and took my dollar store test (something i had resorted to after spending too much on First Responses) and to my not-surprise it was... negative. Negative, just as negative as i was feeling about this whole conception business.
So I went to the hospital the next day. i got undressed, put on the gross paper clothes they give you for surgery, and laid in my gurney waiting to be rolled away to the OR. A nurse eventually walked in and behind her, a man who introduced himself as my anaesthesiologist. after he introduced himself, he stood awkwardly for a second then asked if i was on any meds. i said no, just thinking that he needed to know in case anything didn't mesh with the anaesthesia. then he stood silently for another few seconds and just walked out of the room. I turned to mikey and said "OK...", because the guys seemed like HE was on one too many meds. Then the guy poked his head back in and asked if i was sure that i wasn't on anything. i said, "yeah", almost offended that he thought i wouldn't know whether i was popping pills or not. i started getting a little anxious as well, wondering if the hefeweizen i had the previous night at the New Moon premier was going to affect my surgery. he poked his head back out of the room and i heard him ask a nurse for my chart. he walked back into the room, where at this point i'm thinking the worst of the worsts. he flipped through the pages and reiterated to himself that i was having surgery, then looked and mike and said, " and you're michael..." , then he flipped the pages back over and looked nervously at me and said, "well, your um...urine test came back positive for..." (my brain: alcoholism...cancer...some other chronic illness they can't really find in urine)"...pregnancy". at this point i don't think one of us-me, mike, the 2 nurses, or the doctor was breathing. and i'm certain we all had about the same look on our face, maybe for different reasons. after i got my thoughts together i said about 5 half sentences and then blurted out that my test yesterday came out negative, then he blurted out, "well, it's positive today. so...this is not too big of a surprise?" and i told him that it wasn't really, but it was, and i wanted to tell him about the whole scenario that i had dreamt up, about the toilet seat and the twirling, but i didn't. he said that a blood test would be done to be certain. when it came back positive half an hour later, the results were pretty much all that was said, as i sat there waiting in disbelief for an explanation that i knew didn't exist beyond, "well, when two people are in love..." then i was sent home. as i zombied my way out, a nurse stopped us in the hallway and asked, "so is this a good thing?" and i looked at her, honestly having no idea what she was asking, then it set in and i said, "yes...yes" then kept walking. as we turned the corner past the nurse's station, we had about 6-8 pairs of eyes following us out. i didn't say much on the way home and mike thought that i wasn't excited. but i was. this stuff just didn't happen to people. i saw something like this on The Office, but that was about it.... Needless to say, i got over it.
So i began the journey with my bean. and now it's time to talk about how joyous it has been to have this beautiful baby growing so happily inside of me these past few weeks. but not really. it has been more like an angry little something-horrible, if anything. yes, this wormy speck inside of me was eating away the little energy that i had, leaving me feeling like i had the flu, until the nausea set in. then it felt like the flu from hell. my favorite activity, eating, was ruined as i had to force down anything that wasn't a fruit. then i got sick, with what i was REALLY certain was the flu given to me straight from outer darkness. i had mike take me to instacare, so they could tell me how sick i was and how they were surprised i could even stand. well, turns out the my worm with now stubby arms and legs makes the common cold worse than it really is. i was really starting to wonder why anyone would do this multiple times. i was bloated, hungry-but not, tired, emotional, and SICK. the bean was taking my soul, i was certain of it.
a couple of days later i had my first appointment/ultrasound. i was told that a heartbeat would not be heard until about the 10th week and i was only 8 weeks along, so i was just hoping for a look at the heart. i put my legs up in the stirrups (something i need to get used to a little more) and waited for the doctor to find the bean. i held my breath the whole time i watched the static on the screen thinking, "i know my uterus isn't that big, he should have found something by now..."
and just when i was about to accept that there might not be something in there accounting for these last 4 weeks of inexplicable suffering, he found it. we looked on as it wiggled around in it's small womb, and he showed us the flashing light on its chest, the heart. i was ecstatic, knowing that i was more excited than i could ever be about anything until he said, "let's see if we can hear it" and turned on the sound before i could even respond, surprising me with a thunderous heartbeat, strong and beating at 167 bpm. it was the most beautiful sound i have ever heard. and my alien bean, at around an inch long was the most beautiful speck of life i've ever seen.
so there it is, the story of my journey with the Bean so far. and there's still 7 more months to go! thanks for all of your congratulations, they were much appreciated.